Derek’s Blog

Love

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 19:00:49 -0800

I had the opportunity to hang out with a good friend of mine this past Saturday. We were talking about life and my friend asked me something to the lines of, “When you told me you were gay, you said that you were scared of how I may have reacted. How did you think I would react?”

I paused for a moment and responded. Many Christians come at homosexuality with much judgement. Some will flat out tell you that you need to change, the person that you are is wrong, or that you’re going to hell. Others will keep their true feelings enclosed, try and avoid the situation, do their best to not act different around you, but at the core still don’t see eye to eye with you. Then there are a select few who don’t care. They love you for who you are and see you no different than anyone else. They see that you love Jesus and that is all that matters.

My friend was not only Christian, but also has a father who is a pastor. Thus additional hesitation occurred in me when considering to tell him I was gay almost a year and a half ago. It is scary not knowing how someone will react and the fear of losing someone that you care for and respect. Thankfully my friend was not judgmental and loved me for who I am: a friend, a brother, a Christ-follower, a gay man. His acceptance grew our friendship leaps and bounds and I am so thankful for having him in my life.

After sharing all of this with him, he shared with me of how he was challenged many years back about being a judgmental Christian. He told me that God spoke very clearly to him and told him that he was to do one thing: love. Just as Jesus did: love. Nothing more, nothing less.

Yesterday, one day after having coffee with my friend, the scripture at church was Matthew 22:36-40. Jesus was questioned regarding which commandment of the law was the greatest. Jesus responded with ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.’

It all boils down to love. Love God and love others. Yet we get so mixed up in the day to day busyness of life, we become burdened with to-do lists, we are sucked into materialism, we want to set ourselves a step above the rest, we care about our own problems and no one elses...but where is love? Love takes a back burner. We forget to love others the way Jesus instructed us to and instead we cast judgement.

Here in California we are in the heat of Prop 8 again. Today marked the first day of the trial where one side is pinned against the other. For the most part Christians are standing firm trying to “defend marriage”. I’m not trying to make this into a political blog by any means. I would simply just like to ask, are we loving through this? Or are we trying to deny people love? Gay, straight, whatever you may be, we all need love. We all desire to be loved. Does defending marriage between a man and a woman promote love for all? The kind of love that Jesus exemplified? It didn’t matter where you were at or who you were, Jesus met you in love. He preached love. Are we loving everyone regardless of who they are?

I, in no means have arrived. I struggle with my own selfishness and cast judgement just as much as the next guy. It is my hope that this year, I will be challenged to love more and judge less. To care less about myself and care more about others. I hope that not just my close friends or family see that I love them, but that I approach every situation and every person I may come in contact with, in love. Together, lets love more.

A New Year...A New Decade

Fri, 1 Jan 2010 10:33:36 -0800

I posted a blog at the start of 2009 apologizing for not blogging much and then I finished the year with a whooping 9 posts. I’m a slacker, I know. In my News Years 2009 blog I posted my hopes were to live your dreams, exit your comfort zone, laugh often, and love unconditionally. I think in some regards I accomplished these and in some regards I may have came up a bit short.

2009 was filled with moments of laughter, moments of joy, and moments of pain. I am thankful that in looking back on the year I can see that it was truly clear who my friends were. In moments of trial, weakness, pain, or distress we were there for one another. They were there when it felt like the rest of the world had turned their back. I feel so blessed to have such an amazing group of core friends. I may not have the greatest biological family in the world, however my close friends really are my family. They push me to to risk, to think, to press on, and to succeed.

Looking back, last year was full of challenges to overcome. Relationally, I was faced with difficult decisions regarding the people in my life. Some relationships were lost, some were strengthened, others dramatically changed, and some new ones were formed. The best of choices were not always made, however we learn from our mistakes, pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and carry on. At the end of the day I am thankful for those who never left my side.

2009 was the year of accomplishment when it came to my education; after seven long years of off and on schooling, my Bachelors Degree in Organizational Leadership was obtained. I overcame the rigorous challenges of balancing full time work and full time school and writing a hundred page thesis. After graduation and a brief break I began my Masters in Business Administration. If all goes well, my coursework will be completed in the spring of 2011.

My career took various changes during 2009 as well. At the start of the year I was working within a new capacity at ReadFresno and thought that I would be there all year. In April, that changed due to organization changes resulting in being laid off. I went back to subbing for Fresno Unified while looking for a new career and within a week of being laid off I was offered a job with Encourage Tomorrow, a non-profit, statewide educational service provider. I did not expect to find a new job so quickly but am thankful for the opportunity. My position with Encourage Tomorrow has had various changes that have resulted in my role looking differently over the past eight months; I have been faced with many challenges, but I am trying to continue to press forward and just wait for what the future has in store. In addition to Encourage Tomorrow, I was recently offered a position as Substitute Faculty with Heald College and look forward to working in this role in 2010 and possibly becoming Adjunct Faculty and teaching my own course eventually.

My faith has continued to be shaped as I have looked at what it means to live life and what it means to be a Christian. The person I am at 26, is so very different than the person I was at 20. Faith isn’t about a list of check off’s. It isn’t about rules and regulations. It isn’t about having it all figured out or being polished. It is about love. It is about loving unconditionally. I think that it is often easier said than done. Loving unconditionally is extremely hard. It means not holding grudges, it means respect, it means supporting someone through all seasons of life, and it is ultimately the willingness to give your life up for someone else. This isn’t an easy process but I am hoping that I can continue to be pushed toward truly loving each and every person placed in my life.

2009 is over. The first decade of my adult life has come to a close. (I don’t even want to begin to recap a whole decade of my life...oh what memories and challenges!) 2010 is here and holds amazing things. I am looking forward to continuing to see what is in store for my life. Remember, we aren’t promised tomorrow, live your life to its fullest and love like it were your last. Happy New Year!

Life always goes on

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 18:32:33 -0700

No one said life is easy, but it does in fact always go on. Today would have been my 10 month anniversary with my former partner, however just over two weeks ago I made a very difficult decision and ended our relationship. Today wasn’t easy, waking up and thinking that it would have been our anniversary, but I continue to rest assured that I made a decision that was necessary and best for our lives.

Being the one to end a relationship is never easy. You feel like a huge jerk, the other person doesn’t understand, it becomes difficult to say you feel hurt because you are the one who hurt someone else. This wasn’t an easy decision, there are moments where I wish things would have just been okay. But okay isn’t fantastic, wonderful, amazing, or great. When in a relationship you should know within your heart that the things that you need within a relationship can be met. You should know that the person that you are committed to, in fact completes you. You should be on the same page and have many of the same dreams and desires. Compatibility is in fact important.

At the end of the day, I will always care about Ralph. He will always hold a special place in my heart. But now the time has come to let go and to move on. It’s easier said than done, but today I remember the happy memories and know that all things happen for a reason and that I will always be grateful for the time spent together. A new season is upon us.

Being comfortable in your own skin

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 02:46:51 -0700

This week has given me the wonderful opportunity to spend time with some people that I haven’t spent time with in a while. I count it as a true blessing because a lot of the time I spent just randomly happened or fell into place in the craziness of jam-packed schedules. The older I get the more I realize the necessity for having a calendar and planning out days and weeks but there is almost something magical when you get to hang out with someone and you didn’t have it planned. I guess these are just the signs of the times where people are generally too busy.

I promise the purpose of this blog was not to talk about schedules or calendars or the bliss of randomly hanging with friends. I realized that after looking back at the conversations I have had this week, I am being more and more challenged with being content...with truly being comfortable in my own skin. I’m finding lately I have been acting in a way that can often seem as selfish. I want things to go the way I want them and if anything other than my ideal occurs I get frustrated. I vision things a certain way and I know what it takes to achieve a certain result and if anything gets in the way of that I get upset. I have began to question if maybe I am not fully comfortable in my own skin.

I came across an article online and this part stood out to me in my quest for figuring out why I don’t feel so content, “Most of us struggle to feel confident in who we are. Whether our points of vulnerability are physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual, we all have areas where we feel less than adequate. When we focus on these insecurities, our self confidence wanes and we fail to live up to our fullest potential. Out of embarrassment, we shrink back into the shadows, hoping no one notices.”

Maybe the reason I feel selfish and get frustrated when things don’t go the way I want them, is tied to a lack of confidence and feeling insecure. I realize that I have found myself comparing who I am to others. I’m not as smart as so-in-so, or if I truly had it all together I would be more successful like him, or I’m not good enough so obviously someone better can replace me. Those kind of statements have insecurity written all over them. By comparing myself to others it causes me to set these parameters for how I want things to happen so that I can live up to the standards or goals I have set for my life and when they don’t just go my way, I am faced with failure.

Being around friends has helped me to see that we all have insecurities and none of us are quite able to meet all the standards we set for ourselves or our relationships. We also want to do better so that we can be important in someone else's eye. Maybe what I need to do is learn how to be comfortable in my own skin which means being satisfied with myself. Being satisfied in yourself means having to accept that yes, there will be hurdles to approach and we won’t always make them. We aren’t perfect and that is okay. But we can be happy in who we are in this moment and take things one day at a time, knowing that things won’t always go our way and that too is okay. Be happy and confident in who you are and what you believe and everything else will fall into place.

It’s 3:15am and I’m not sure any of this even makes sense but if you are out there reading this, thanks for taking the time and feel free to comment.

How does it feel?

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 20:45:03 -0700

This video almost brought tears to my eyes. Never have I seem something portrayed in such a profound way. It’s a dated video but the message is clear.

They say a picture’s worth a million words...

Sun, 24 May 2009 16:53:14 -0700

A million words may not be enough to sum up the educational journey that I have been on for many years. May 9th 2009 will forever be a day when I can say I finished. My graduation from FPU was a victory that at many times I thought I wouldn’t win. Countless time I thought it would be easier to just give up but my caring friends were there, standing by my side telling me that I could do it!

The stressful days of being unprepared for class, the 97 page thesis, presentations, weekend courses, late nights, Panera-filled weekends writing module papers, and the thousands of dollars in student loans were all worth it. As I walked across that stage and was handed my degree (okay degree cover, the actual piece of paper should be arriving any day), it was a moment of accomplishment. Seven long years, in and out of school, six different colleges in fact, finally came to conclusion and I could victoriously say I DID IT!

I could not have done this alone. The past thirteen months I was blessed to be in such an amazing program with such a great group of people. Cohort OL 25 will forever be my family. My Thursday nights will never be the same. The laughter, the tears, the sharing of our inner-selves, the struggles, the times of storming out in anger...all will remain memories that I cherish. It was so great to stand and receive my degree with four of the nine fellow classmates that completed the journey alongside me. It wasn’t easy but we did it...we are emerging leaders!

My friends also played a tremendous part in this journey; they pushed me to succeed and never gave up on me. Without them I’m sure I would have quit long ago. Seeing them in the audience at commencement gave me so much happiness. Especially seeing Lisa, who flew across country to be part of my special day. Those who didn’t make it to the ceremony later came to the party which was quite a blast. So many amazing people who have had such an impact upon my life. To each of you who has been alongside my journey, thank you, I couldn’t have made it without you. Here’s to the next chapter in life.

Getting out of your bubble

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 08:30:20 -0700

Yesterday I had the opportunity to sit in on a prevention committee that is being created in Fresno County. The goal of this committee is to provide prevention resources throughout the community with a focus on creating awareness of the agencies that can assist members of the community. Prevention focuses on a wide variety of areas...substance abuse, homelessness, school drop-out, physical and mental health, gangs, domestic violence, among other things.

Conversation got very heated and somewhat political when members of the committee began to express their hope for focusing on their area of specialization. The question of what’s in it for me quickly came up. I was blow away when one woman spoke up. You could tell that she had a hard life and as a result had a passion for those in the community. She came to the meeting representing the agency Catholic Charities.

As the lady spoke I sat with extreme attention. She began to challenge us to get out of our bubbles and to see the community around us. She expressed how to the people on the streets who are hurting and needing our services see us as the enemy. We claim to want to help but they say we are all talk. They know they are just a pawn in a game to secure funding for an agency. They see us getting in our fancy cars going home to our luxurious houses and at the end of the day they often are harmed more than helped. She shared stories of multiple families sharing a two bedroom apartment, rats crawling across children’s faces as they sleep, going to bed hungry, not knowing if they will be able to pay rent next month, and the list goes on and on.

Hearing this made me really think of how good I have it. My biggest problems are nothing compared to what some people in our community experience. It was a real eye-opener that we need to get out of our bubbles and see that our lives are often far better off than we think. It also made me remember that the agencies in our community need to put aside their agendas and see the real needs that we need to address. An encouraging experience it was.